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![]() It had been too late for there was no respect there anymore. And started being the mother I was before my addiction. And by the time I started figuring it out. But all I did by doing that was to teach my children not to have any respect for me. I would put myself down as a mother and as a person. In the beginning everything I blamed on myself and my addiction. But after my addiction I felt so much guilt and shame that I would overcompensate and from the oldest down to the youngest one by one they learned how to play and manipulate me knowing my emotions and ringing guilt. ![]() I was a strict mother but a loving mother and they knew that. I used to overcompensate to my children and would give in and not be the mother I used was before my addiction. My children where supporting in the beginning, then when my oldest started his teenage years. Anyway I tried to get my life back where it was before, I had three years, two years 7months and so on. All I wanted was to get back to the person and to the Mother I was before I made that fatel choice that night which I call my crossroads, I took the wrong turn. Everytime I would get the strength to fight my family or my children's fathers would kick me in the teeth. It took my family and I into a horrible twister and the more I did the more shame and guilt held me down. As we all know that it doesn't ever last. Well guess what it did it took all the fears and years of pain andhurt and insecurities away from me and made me feel like I could do anything and made me feel like I was full of life again. Well the wrong friends, wrong time, emotionally that is I was introduced to cocaine, I was so intoxicated that I allowed myself to try it. In the midst of it all I who was totally against drugs, one night I went out with some what I thought were friends and got super drunk which I rarely ever did. The one u fell over heals for and had two of his children, was the one who crushed me the most, without getting into great details, he was the one who was the most deceitful, and alcohol was his true love, he was the most abusive, mentally, emotionally, and physically. By time I found out the relationship was not or should I say the partner was not who I thought they were, I had already became pregnant, this happened for the most part six time six children with five fathers, I was pretty strong for the first four, but when I hit the age thirty years and fought with each father, two out of three of them, cared more about having to pay child support even though I told them that if I was working I did not want child support, I just wanted them to be good active fathers to their children, that it was more important for the kids to have that than to fight over money, they could not even manage that. See I was a open book and thought because I was so honest with who I was and wanted that everybody was like that, I wore my feeling on my sleeves. But in fortunately in my desperate attempts I jumped in to relationships to fast and with the wrong men. I thought that having my own children would be the unconditional love I had always serched for. All I ever wanted was a normal loving family of my own. ![]() But always thought that the future held better for me as a. I have been time and time again been hurt or abandoned my the ones I loved and trusted the most. Always being a people pleaser just to be accepted or loved by them. I just kept loving whomever, trying to feel, and receive their love back. My interpretation of the song is about my life, as far as I can remember as a child, I have been abused,emotionally,physically, mentally, and sexually, but I always forgave and always had empathy even to those who hurt me the most. |
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